One of my friends recently sent me this article on gender neutral parenting, as done by two transgender parents:
http://www.slate.com/blogs/outward/2013/10/22/two_trans_guys_have_a_son_are_they_raising_him_gender_neutral.html
I thought this article gave an interesting perspective into the world of gender neutral parenting. I had always conceived of this to be the raising of children in giving them the options of whatever toys or clothing they want, whether they be boy or girl assigned by society. However, the article also mentions a couple who hid their child's sex from everyone in order to "truly" raise them gender neutrally - preventing the child from being affected by norms and expectations of them throughout their life. This also presents the child with the ability to decide for themselves whatever kind of gender expression they want to present to the world. At first, I took this as a strategy that I respect a lot, and I see it as a way that these parents are taking a theory of the unimportance of gender and realizing it in a tangible way.
I told my friend this, and she brought up an interesting point that I hadn't considered before. She said that by bringing children up gender neutrally unintentionally reinforces the notion that gender matters and is important, and that your gender will limit your options in life. She also said that hiding a child's sex can just present more problems for the child, as it forces them to choose a gender at four years old, or places them in the spotlight of a gendered world that the parent tries to pull them out of. Finally, my friend was saying that when we talk about raising a child gender neutrally, we always talk about things, and never really discuss ideas or thoughts or intangibles. These are her words exactly:
"Like, let's not teach our daughters to apologize for everything. Let's make sure that OUR OWN enactments of gender don't limit our childrens'. Let's not teach our sons that hitting is okay. I think we need to pay more attention to the stories we tell our kids and the way we behave in front of them than we do to the color of their pjs."
I thought that this was a very insightful thought process and a more productive way to look at raising our children to not be constricted by gender norms. Do you all have thoughts about this?
This is so impressive given the very gendered nature of our society. I really liked that the author recognized how difficult it would be to parent this way (not that more people shouldn't) and he brought up small things that I wouldn't have fully considered. I appreciated that he didn't bash other parents who aren't raising their children in this manner as I think it emphasized that parenting, and ultimately your own identity, gender included, is your personal business. Your friend brought up a great point that I hadn't fully considered. I think that these parents strong enough to take on gender-neutral parenting are doing a great deal to help break down the gender barrier by highlighting how ridiculous it is for a child to know at such a young age "what" (boy or girl in this case or a combination of the two) they are. I strongly agree though with the idea that too often do we talk of things in the hypothetical world but the ideas don't carry over to the "real" world enough. Too often do children hear their one message from their parents but see a different message carried out by the parent. I think children seeing examples of their parents living out the message they preach is highly beneficial (as long as the message is positive obviously).
ReplyDeleteI love the point that your friend brought up. I feel like YES, gendered toys and pjs and everything else in the world is an issue, but as a parent there needs to greater understanding on how to raise our children (I'm not sure why I said our but go with it). It's more important to focus on behavior. At least that's what I think.
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